Originally posted Monday, March 27, 2006 on Myspace
So, today at church.....now that's a phrase I have not said in about 4 months. Today I went to church for a regular (non funeral, non wedding) service. I have not been away from church for that long in years. As a military brat, I grew up going to church as just a regular part of life. In military communities, going to church is common, but it is a bit of a regimented affair. There was just one chapel to service all religions so, services were an hour and fifteen minutes (max) long to try to serve the religious needs of the entire community. The military churches may seem antiseptic, but they really were extremely close communities and I learned so much from Sunday school and the youth organizations. The foundations that I had were solid and diverse.
Being military, the church was also multi-denominational. All Protestant denominations attended services together, so I learned from Lutherans, Methodists, Episcopalians, Presbyterians, and my own denomination Baptist. I was involved and engaged in church through my teens. In college, I found 2 churches to attend. One non-denominational predominately white church, which was a lot like the church I grew up in, and the other was my first single denomination predominately Black church, Second Baptist, a Missionary Baptist Church (the same as my parents home church). I joined this church. I loved my church and my pastor and was involved with bible study and choir. I continued to attend SBC through the end of college and into the beginning of my career. I am officially still a member, though I have not been back in 6 years.
Something happened in those six years (even before that maybe). Sometime after entering my late 20's and early 30s, I started questioning. I looked for answers for the questions and finding none that I liked, I started doubting. I guess my questions were selfish. They were about me. I wanted to know why. I wanted to know why despite my best efforts to "do the righteous thing", I still did not have the one thing I wanted, a husband and children. Why were all my friends who made mistakes, who lost their virginity early, who drank too much, got in trouble with the law, who screwed up, why were they the ones who now got up and testified at church that God had blessed them and that they now had their hearts desire.
They had their family. I had been blessed too. I had been blessed with a good enough job to live independently. There's the word (independent). I am great at being independent. I am great at making it on my own, taking care of myself. God has blessed me with that much, but not with what I want, not with what I covet (a sin I know), not with my own family, not with somebody to take care of. So, I began to question. I never questioned the existence of God (for me that's a given), but I questioned the rules that everybody (mainline religion) says we were supposed to follow. Somehow I came to believe that if you followed the rules, you could win the "game". You could get what you wanted. You could get the blessing you want. Yet, here I sit going on 36 and the only family I have is my cat! I really love her, so she is a blessing, just not the one I have asked for.
So much for following the rules! So much for doing the right thing. So, for the last few years, though I have continued attending church since I've come to Texas, it has become more and more irregular. I have become very critical of mainline churches. I used to think all my answers would be found there. Now, I don't. I wish I did. I wish I had not lost my faith in church. But I have. Truth be told, I have lost some of my faith in God. That's actually the toughest. I just feel like God skipped me on the "family" blessing, and I can't help but think I have done something wrong, but I can't figure out what. The one thing I want is the one thing I don't have. So, I've been angry. I've been angry for years. I've been angry with my God. And maybe he's been angry with me. I've been disobeying my Lord. I've drank too much. When I'm not doing that, I am engaging in a secular lifestyle. I've not been "saving myself" for the right guy. I'm not the good girl I used to be. I've been a little bad. Am I happier.....not really. Am I sadder.....in a way yes, but not because I think I'm wrong about religion. I think that I am more knowledgeable. I think that as I learn I will find a reason to have faith again. I am sad that I no longer have that childlike faith. I miss that. I want to be that good little girl, but I also have to deal with the anger that I can't seem to shake.
Today, I went to church for the first time in months. Today, I stuck a toe back into religious faith. But I could not help but feel a little out of place. Church, that used to feel like home is no longer that place of comfort. I could not get excited. I felt myself holding back. I could not let go of my hurt. But, I've resolved to go back next week. I'm going to give God a chance to knock down my walls, to heal my bruised soul. I want to stop being mad at the church, mad at my
God. I know that only God can do that.
No comments:
Post a Comment